A quick tale from this week at City Court:
My client, who had been charged with Criminal Solicitation (that's trying to buy a prostitute in layman's terms), admittedly used the following phrase in approaching an undercover Pittsburgh police officer:
"Can I fuck your throat for $25 dollars?"
This is truly the work of a poet.
Romantic? No.
Difficult to picture? Kinda.
Overall effectiveness in getting him arrested? 100%.
Anyhoo, the Commonwealth withdrew the misdemeanor charges, and my client pled to a summary Disorderly Conduct. The punishment? Six days time served in ACJ and a $100 fine plus court costs. The bummer? Dude never did get his blow job.
How can you not love City Court?
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
PennDOT + Snow Storm = White Knuckles
Ahhhhhh, how I love to awake to the first snow of the winter season one-half hour earlier than usual. That half-hour is in anticipation of the extra time that might be required while I drive 33 miles south to my job in Wash, Pa. However, in the words of the "Bulldog of Washington County": "PennDOT didn't really do their job today."
Not only did it take 2 hours to get to work this Wednesday, I am convinced that it took a few months off of my life expectancy. To begin, I have developed a bit of anxiety about driving in the snow. Maybe because I have never had to really do it to get to a job (oh, Port Authority buses, how I miss thee), or maybe it is because I moved to the top of a freeking mountain, or maybe it's because I traded my gashog of a SUV for a Honda Civic...I can't be sure. I do know, however, that I am a careful, courteous driver who tries to maintain control of my vehicle and avoid hitting others on the road.
So, back to today. It took 45 minutes for me to get onto the Parkway West (usually a ten-minute ordeal), but this was due to traffic. Next, the P. West Ahtbound was wet, miraculously wet. We traveled at about 30 mph. Then came the surprise: the ramp to I-79 South was sans tiretracks. Completely covered with 1.5 inches of snow. Um, tractor trailer driver, please do not try to pass me now. Please. I am sliding all over this elevated on-ramp. And remember, "Bridge freezes before road." Hope laid just around the corner when I believed that upon entering the Interstate-proper that there would be at least one clear-ish lane of travel. Um, no. Instead, I traveled in the snow-packed tire tracks of the right lane at 35 mph behind a line of other folks with my hazards on for the next 20 miles. Where in the EFF was PennDOT? Not one salt truck in sight. This is an Interstate we're talking about. As in, the fastest, most direct way to get from point A to point B. No salt. No plows.
My only reprieve was the funnyass shit that my favorite morning DJs were saying about the roads. Anyhoo, I made it to work 35 minutes late (and, yes, we're currently in the midst of a med mal jury trial about a breast reduction gone wrong), and exhausted. Because after concentrating on keeping your vehicle on the road for 2 hours, your adrenaline has about pooped your brain out.
You have been warned, friends. If you have a compulsive need to gamble at the Meadows during a snow storm (about the only reason to go to Wash, Pa.), take Route 19 South instead.
Not only did it take 2 hours to get to work this Wednesday, I am convinced that it took a few months off of my life expectancy. To begin, I have developed a bit of anxiety about driving in the snow. Maybe because I have never had to really do it to get to a job (oh, Port Authority buses, how I miss thee), or maybe it is because I moved to the top of a freeking mountain, or maybe it's because I traded my gashog of a SUV for a Honda Civic...I can't be sure. I do know, however, that I am a careful, courteous driver who tries to maintain control of my vehicle and avoid hitting others on the road.
So, back to today. It took 45 minutes for me to get onto the Parkway West (usually a ten-minute ordeal), but this was due to traffic. Next, the P. West Ahtbound was wet, miraculously wet. We traveled at about 30 mph. Then came the surprise: the ramp to I-79 South was sans tiretracks. Completely covered with 1.5 inches of snow. Um, tractor trailer driver, please do not try to pass me now. Please. I am sliding all over this elevated on-ramp. And remember, "Bridge freezes before road." Hope laid just around the corner when I believed that upon entering the Interstate-proper that there would be at least one clear-ish lane of travel. Um, no. Instead, I traveled in the snow-packed tire tracks of the right lane at 35 mph behind a line of other folks with my hazards on for the next 20 miles. Where in the EFF was PennDOT? Not one salt truck in sight. This is an Interstate we're talking about. As in, the fastest, most direct way to get from point A to point B. No salt. No plows.
My only reprieve was the funnyass shit that my favorite morning DJs were saying about the roads. Anyhoo, I made it to work 35 minutes late (and, yes, we're currently in the midst of a med mal jury trial about a breast reduction gone wrong), and exhausted. Because after concentrating on keeping your vehicle on the road for 2 hours, your adrenaline has about pooped your brain out.
You have been warned, friends. If you have a compulsive need to gamble at the Meadows during a snow storm (about the only reason to go to Wash, Pa.), take Route 19 South instead.
Friday, November 09, 2007
It's That Time of Year Again...
So, I'd better see yinz at the Handmade Arcade in Point Breeze this Saturday and/or Sunday!
I discovered this gem of an event three years ago and have made a point of attending annually. Actually, I will be volunteering this year for a short shift on Saturday afternoon, but I still plan to arrive early so as to get some holiday shopping done.
Make sure to bring some cash. Fellas, I know that an indie hipster craft show seems girly, but my boyfriend enjoyed it last year and even bought a print for his wall. So, don't prejudge.
The best thing about this event, even if you don't spend a dime, is that admission is FREE and it provides tons of inspiration for all.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
PennDOT Sucks: A Euphemism
I recently experienced a rush hour nightmare on my way from P-Burgh to WashPa. And, as a faithful reader of the Post-Gazette column, "Getting Around," I submitted an email to Joe Grata, the writer of said column. Here it is in its entirety:
"Dear Mr. Grata,
To begin, I love your "Getting Around" column. It speaks the truth about PennDOT and other transportation woes in the Pittsburgh region. A feat that is unduplicated around these parts.
As a Pittsburgher who commutes to Washington, PA for work via the Parkway West and Interstate 79 South, I was wondering if you could shed some light on a particularly confounding PennDOT practice I have suffered through time and time again. Why, oh, why does PennDOT choose the morning rush hour to accomplish a relatively small project that could be completed, say, after 10 a.m. and before 3 p.m.?
The most recent example of this foolishness which caused hundreds, if not a few thousands, of folks to be late for work on Wednesday, October 10 began shortly after the Bridgeville exit on 79 South. Slowing from 65 mph (yes, I know that the speed limit is only 55 on 79; this is another source of my commuter angst), I passed a construction sign that flashed something to the the effect of "LEFT LANE CLOSED NEXT 20 MILES." Um, what? I was traveling in the left lane. And I continued to travel in the left lane for the next 12 or so miles at approximately 10-15 mph in stop-and-go traffic. I couldn't figure out what PennDOT could possibly be doing for 20 miles without some type of advanced notice. When I appraoched Canonsburg, there appeared to be a plume of dark smoke, and then my hypothesis changed to: well, maybe it isn't PennDOT, but a horrible fiery accident. Alas, the smoke was coming from the valley, not from the roadside. Finally, a slowly-moving PennDOT truck with one of those blinking arrows pointing to the right became visible, and the merging commenced. Between this arrow truck and the next, there were two PA State Police vehicles, then more PennDOT trucks slowly meandering southbound in the left lane. And when I was in view of the reason for the whole darn traffic snarl, I could not believe what I saw: two workers jumping on and off of the truck quickly replacing those reflector thingys along the white broken center lane dividing line. At 8:30 in the morning.
I am a veteran commuter. I always build at least 15 extra minutes into my trip in case of heavy traffic, accidents, etc. However, I was still 15 minutes late for work Wednesday. And that just gets the day off to a bad start.
We both know that this project did not take these workers longer than a portion of the morning to complete. However, I am baffled as to why they could not just wait until 10 a.m. to begin this work. (Case in point: I had Columbus Day off and I traveled from the South Side Slopes to IKEA in Robinson Township in just 15 minutes in very light traffic at 10 in the morning.) It would increase the safety of the workers, their vehicles, other motorists, preclude the possiblilty of higher blood pressure and stress in motorists, and well, allow us all to get to work on time.
This episode is not unusual. There have been bridge inspections and other justified nonsense which, again, could take place at a later hour. Is their scheduling designed to cause road rage and other medical and emotional distress in the citizens of this fair Commonwealth? Or does this have something to do with the ridiculously early shifts that PennDOT schedules so that their workers can get home in time to catch the afternoon soap opera lineup? I mean, really, we already put up with an un-Godly number of simultaneous construction projects and are forced to remember which road is closed at what time and which detour to take. This rush hour junk is simply over the top.
Please advise."
Two days later, Joe emailed me back with this:
"thanks for your note. let's ask penndot about this. tnx, joe grata"
Joe had forwarded my concerns to a bureaucrat named James Struzzi. However, I have not yet received a response from Mr. Struzzi. WTF? I know that he has better things to do than email pissed off commuters, but I have better things to do than be late for work for no good reason.
I'll let you know what happens...
"Dear Mr. Grata,
To begin, I love your "Getting Around" column. It speaks the truth about PennDOT and other transportation woes in the Pittsburgh region. A feat that is unduplicated around these parts.
As a Pittsburgher who commutes to Washington, PA for work via the Parkway West and Interstate 79 South, I was wondering if you could shed some light on a particularly confounding PennDOT practice I have suffered through time and time again. Why, oh, why does PennDOT choose the morning rush hour to accomplish a relatively small project that could be completed, say, after 10 a.m. and before 3 p.m.?
The most recent example of this foolishness which caused hundreds, if not a few thousands, of folks to be late for work on Wednesday, October 10 began shortly after the Bridgeville exit on 79 South. Slowing from 65 mph (yes, I know that the speed limit is only 55 on 79; this is another source of my commuter angst), I passed a construction sign that flashed something to the the effect of "LEFT LANE CLOSED NEXT 20 MILES." Um, what? I was traveling in the left lane. And I continued to travel in the left lane for the next 12 or so miles at approximately 10-15 mph in stop-and-go traffic. I couldn't figure out what PennDOT could possibly be doing for 20 miles without some type of advanced notice. When I appraoched Canonsburg, there appeared to be a plume of dark smoke, and then my hypothesis changed to: well, maybe it isn't PennDOT, but a horrible fiery accident. Alas, the smoke was coming from the valley, not from the roadside. Finally, a slowly-moving PennDOT truck with one of those blinking arrows pointing to the right became visible, and the merging commenced. Between this arrow truck and the next, there were two PA State Police vehicles, then more PennDOT trucks slowly meandering southbound in the left lane. And when I was in view of the reason for the whole darn traffic snarl, I could not believe what I saw: two workers jumping on and off of the truck quickly replacing those reflector thingys along the white broken center lane dividing line. At 8:30 in the morning.
I am a veteran commuter. I always build at least 15 extra minutes into my trip in case of heavy traffic, accidents, etc. However, I was still 15 minutes late for work Wednesday. And that just gets the day off to a bad start.
We both know that this project did not take these workers longer than a portion of the morning to complete. However, I am baffled as to why they could not just wait until 10 a.m. to begin this work. (Case in point: I had Columbus Day off and I traveled from the South Side Slopes to IKEA in Robinson Township in just 15 minutes in very light traffic at 10 in the morning.) It would increase the safety of the workers, their vehicles, other motorists, preclude the possiblilty of higher blood pressure and stress in motorists, and well, allow us all to get to work on time.
This episode is not unusual. There have been bridge inspections and other justified nonsense which, again, could take place at a later hour. Is their scheduling designed to cause road rage and other medical and emotional distress in the citizens of this fair Commonwealth? Or does this have something to do with the ridiculously early shifts that PennDOT schedules so that their workers can get home in time to catch the afternoon soap opera lineup? I mean, really, we already put up with an un-Godly number of simultaneous construction projects and are forced to remember which road is closed at what time and which detour to take. This rush hour junk is simply over the top.
Please advise."
Two days later, Joe emailed me back with this:
"thanks for your note. let's ask penndot about this. tnx, joe grata"
Joe had forwarded my concerns to a bureaucrat named James Struzzi. However, I have not yet received a response from Mr. Struzzi. WTF? I know that he has better things to do than email pissed off commuters, but I have better things to do than be late for work for no good reason.
I'll let you know what happens...
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I'm Baaaack.
So you thought Hot Pink Butter was dead, didn't you?
Actually, so did I, that is, for some time. That, my friends, is due to a number of reasons. The most prominent in my mind being the fact that I thought that if I was going to be a marketable young attorney with a spankin' clean reputation and outward appearance of professionalism, that I could no longer post to this blog with the same artistic freedom and candidness as before (read: freedom to cuss). Also, I was busy living in a place known as Washington, PeeA, where there was plenty to blog about, but due to small-tahn syndrome, I was sure that someone with an Internet connection would get wind of my ranting and I would be forever shunned. And no one wants to be shunned.
Well, some things have changed, and others have not. To summarize the progress in my life, I will use a list format, as I do with most things in my life:
1. I graduated from Pitt Law in May 2006.
2. I am now burdened by two monthly law school loan payments (the feds get the big check & the bank gets the small check).
3. I passed the Pennsylvania Bar Exam & was admitted to said Bar in October 2006.
4. I have been working as a Law Clerk for a Washington County Judge for 14 months.
5. For the first 12 of those 14 months, I rented a duplex in the City of Washington across from a drug dealer.
6. The highlight of my law clerkship so far was experiencing a 1st Degree Murder jury trial, with sharp object as definite murder weapon, fecal matter-covered flashlight as possible murder weapon, crackhead homeless violent Defendant, 63-year old naked murder victim, and all. (BTW, yes, Randy Douglas Reese was found guilty beyond a reasonable doubt and will reside at SCI Camp Hill for the duration of his natural life.)
7. I purchased my first home (FSBO) in the Souf Side Slopes!
8. I have been living out years of my dreams (& nightmares) of TLC/HGTV by rehabbing the cosmetics of the aforesaid home.
9. I sold my nine-year old Dodge Durango & bought Skafta's grandmother's 1999 green Honda Civic so that I could afford the student loan payments, mortgage, and bills while living on the equivalent of minimum wage for lawyers AND filling my vehicle with enough gas to drive 330 miles each week to and from work.
10. I continue to work for my Judge by commuting 33 miles south each day to Wash Cow (a job that I would love all the more if if were (1) in Pittsburgh and (2) paid me $5-10k more per year).
11. Travel in the past 16 months included Florida, Colorado and Aruba. Fantastic!
12. I re-immersed myself in tap dancing by taking Advanced Tap once a week at my cousin's studio, Kickline Dance Center. I dance alongside high schoolers who think that I am nuts. Funny, but nuts. And, yes, I danced in the recital. In a costume. And forced everyone, including the Judge & our staff to come and see it.
Ummmmmm, so I think that about catches everyone up on my life. Now, I can post about normal things, funny things, political things (well, except for politics in Wash Cow, because as an employee of an elected official, I am prohibited on many levels from doing so).
Hooray!
P.S. I hope that you like the new look of the Butter.
Actually, so did I, that is, for some time. That, my friends, is due to a number of reasons. The most prominent in my mind being the fact that I thought that if I was going to be a marketable young attorney with a spankin' clean reputation and outward appearance of professionalism, that I could no longer post to this blog with the same artistic freedom and candidness as before (read: freedom to cuss). Also, I was busy living in a place known as Washington, PeeA, where there was plenty to blog about, but due to small-tahn syndrome, I was sure that someone with an Internet connection would get wind of my ranting and I would be forever shunned. And no one wants to be shunned.
Well, some things have changed, and others have not. To summarize the progress in my life, I will use a list format, as I do with most things in my life:
1. I graduated from Pitt Law in May 2006.
2. I am now burdened by two monthly law school loan payments (the feds get the big check & the bank gets the small check).
3. I passed the Pennsylvania Bar Exam & was admitted to said Bar in October 2006.
4. I have been working as a Law Clerk for a Washington County Judge for 14 months.
5. For the first 12 of those 14 months, I rented a duplex in the City of Washington across from a drug dealer.
6. The highlight of my law clerkship so far was experiencing a 1st Degree Murder jury trial, with sharp object as definite murder weapon, fecal matter-covered flashlight as possible murder weapon, crackhead homeless violent Defendant, 63-year old naked murder victim, and all. (BTW, yes, Randy Douglas Reese was found guilty beyond a reasonable doubt and will reside at SCI Camp Hill for the duration of his natural life.)
7. I purchased my first home (FSBO) in the Souf Side Slopes!
8. I have been living out years of my dreams (& nightmares) of TLC/HGTV by rehabbing the cosmetics of the aforesaid home.
9. I sold my nine-year old Dodge Durango & bought Skafta's grandmother's 1999 green Honda Civic so that I could afford the student loan payments, mortgage, and bills while living on the equivalent of minimum wage for lawyers AND filling my vehicle with enough gas to drive 330 miles each week to and from work.
10. I continue to work for my Judge by commuting 33 miles south each day to Wash Cow (a job that I would love all the more if if were (1) in Pittsburgh and (2) paid me $5-10k more per year).
11. Travel in the past 16 months included Florida, Colorado and Aruba. Fantastic!
12. I re-immersed myself in tap dancing by taking Advanced Tap once a week at my cousin's studio, Kickline Dance Center. I dance alongside high schoolers who think that I am nuts. Funny, but nuts. And, yes, I danced in the recital. In a costume. And forced everyone, including the Judge & our staff to come and see it.
Ummmmmm, so I think that about catches everyone up on my life. Now, I can post about normal things, funny things, political things (well, except for politics in Wash Cow, because as an employee of an elected official, I am prohibited on many levels from doing so).
Hooray!
P.S. I hope that you like the new look of the Butter.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Holy Electronic Voting Machines, Batman!
The time has finally arrived. Springtime equals primary elections. Maybe that's why I received my glossy "How to Vote on an Electronic Voting Machine for Dummies" brochure in the mail just last week. I obviously did not have enough time to properly study its contents.
Upon entering my usual polling place, I was overcome with a sad nostalgia (but first, I checked to see if my favorite same 6 senior citizens were running the show); for where those faded mint green metal monsters with the sweet automatic curtains once stood, there were 2 black plastic oversized pop-up screens.
As a MegaTouch Photo Hunt fan, I was sure that these silly things would be no match for my kickass touch-screen skillz. And they weren't. But, something strange caught my eye while voting...
The first screen listed the ballots for the top positions, e.g. Governor, Lt. Gov., Senator. Then, the second page listed the candidates for State Representatives, Committe Members, etc. But, um, the second page not only listed the names of the candidates, but their genders, too! What's up with that? Why don't you have Gov. Rendell listed as a "male"? But, in order to elect committe members, we have to know what version of genitals they possess?
Am I totally nuts, or is this the first time genders have been listed on the ballot? Or is that some type of freaky Committe requirement - half dudes, half broads? AYFKM?, quoting Throck.
Oh, whatever, I'm too busy studying for the PAB MS with PMBR that I don't have the strength to rant abaht the entire electronic voting pro-cess. Change is good, right? Um, right.
As long as we get Tricky Ricky in the fall...
Upon entering my usual polling place, I was overcome with a sad nostalgia (but first, I checked to see if my favorite same 6 senior citizens were running the show); for where those faded mint green metal monsters with the sweet automatic curtains once stood, there were 2 black plastic oversized pop-up screens.
As a MegaTouch Photo Hunt fan, I was sure that these silly things would be no match for my kickass touch-screen skillz. And they weren't. But, something strange caught my eye while voting...
The first screen listed the ballots for the top positions, e.g. Governor, Lt. Gov., Senator. Then, the second page listed the candidates for State Representatives, Committe Members, etc. But, um, the second page not only listed the names of the candidates, but their genders, too! What's up with that? Why don't you have Gov. Rendell listed as a "male"? But, in order to elect committe members, we have to know what version of genitals they possess?
Am I totally nuts, or is this the first time genders have been listed on the ballot? Or is that some type of freaky Committe requirement - half dudes, half broads? AYFKM?, quoting Throck.
Oh, whatever, I'm too busy studying for the PAB MS with PMBR that I don't have the strength to rant abaht the entire electronic voting pro-cess. Change is good, right? Um, right.
As long as we get Tricky Ricky in the fall...
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I CAN SEE!
Yes, indeed. I can see. Without glasses. For the first time in almost 18 years. It is really trippy, to be honest. I feel kinda naked without my glasses, but fortunately, I get to wear these pimp sunglasses (or "solarshields" as the LASIK folks call them) for the next few days. I have an appointment later today to make sure all is kosher with my corneas.
The LASIK procedure was painless, except for the sinking feeling that I was experiencing an alien brain removal on a padded table, while being forced to stare at this blinky orange light. The famous Dr. Whitten kept saying things like "You're doing great. Focus on the light. (Sounds of an electronic blade whirring in the background) Now, the light will disappear for a second. Now, the light will be blurry. Good. Good. Doing great. (Sounds of a laser melting my corneas, complete with the smell of burning tissue) Now, the light will be clearer. OK, almost done. (I can see a tiny spatula smoothing out my corneal flap). OK, next eye." Repeat.
Granted, the whole thing took like, 4 minutes, but holy, holy, holy. Thank gawd for the Valium. And the squishy stress ball that I was kneading in my right hand.
The only part that sucked was that the numbing eye drops wore off after thirty minutes, as my mom & I were approaching the Soufside. And, I became instantly miserable. So, I swallowed the Tylenol PM, smoked a square, taped the hard plastic eye patches to my face & pounced into bed. Apparently, the most painful part of LASIK is the 6 hours following the procedure. They highly recommend sleeping during this phase. So, I did. Then, you're fine. Perfectly fine. But, I did wake up about 3 hours into my nap. And I made the huge mistake of briefly opening my eyes. For a nanosecond. AND IT KILLED. Imagine a burning, aching, gravel-in-your-eyes sensation. So, I shut them, but the burning continued. So I slept some more. And I can see.
So, to all you nay-sayers out there...I can see. Time will only tell if this is just a passing sensation.
New wardrobe of sunglasses, here I come!
The LASIK procedure was painless, except for the sinking feeling that I was experiencing an alien brain removal on a padded table, while being forced to stare at this blinky orange light. The famous Dr. Whitten kept saying things like "You're doing great. Focus on the light. (Sounds of an electronic blade whirring in the background) Now, the light will disappear for a second. Now, the light will be blurry. Good. Good. Doing great. (Sounds of a laser melting my corneas, complete with the smell of burning tissue) Now, the light will be clearer. OK, almost done. (I can see a tiny spatula smoothing out my corneal flap). OK, next eye." Repeat.
Granted, the whole thing took like, 4 minutes, but holy, holy, holy. Thank gawd for the Valium. And the squishy stress ball that I was kneading in my right hand.
The only part that sucked was that the numbing eye drops wore off after thirty minutes, as my mom & I were approaching the Soufside. And, I became instantly miserable. So, I swallowed the Tylenol PM, smoked a square, taped the hard plastic eye patches to my face & pounced into bed. Apparently, the most painful part of LASIK is the 6 hours following the procedure. They highly recommend sleeping during this phase. So, I did. Then, you're fine. Perfectly fine. But, I did wake up about 3 hours into my nap. And I made the huge mistake of briefly opening my eyes. For a nanosecond. AND IT KILLED. Imagine a burning, aching, gravel-in-your-eyes sensation. So, I shut them, but the burning continued. So I slept some more. And I can see.
So, to all you nay-sayers out there...I can see. Time will only tell if this is just a passing sensation.
New wardrobe of sunglasses, here I come!
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